The whistle had not even blown and already confusion reigned over the Dinamo. Their keeper was late and Pete, a star defender, was forced to stand in his place. This was a familiar but all too uncomfortable spot for Pete. He did an admirable job the week before, helping his team hold on to a tie. This week however, a tie would not suffice. The Dinamo had not lost in over 6 weeks and it was not willing to let the streak slip away tonight.

A mass of blue jerseys exited the field and mingled with the blue jerseys walking on. It was chaotic. The referee was waiting. Standing in the spot he would occupy for the next 45 minutes, he grew impatient as the Dinamo scampered to make its opening lineup. Then suddenly all was quiet and still. The mass of blue jerseys parted, and like Moses before the great sea, the keeper walked through. He was a sight. (que We Will Rock You). Pete flashed a grin, shouted lineup commands and took his place on the field. The whistle blew. Dinamo was ready. Game on.

The beginning of first half was a clinic in spatial domination. Andy “Jose” Jimenez led the team’s assault on the Starship’s defense grid with strike after strike. But missile after missile went wide. Starship’s defenses were week, vulnerable, but lucky nonetheless. The Astronaut was not to be denied, and his third effort was more than a charm. He lasered in on the Starship’s goal and set a collision course, pummeling through the Starship’s defenses. With Jimenez just feet from their goal, the Starship keeper was too late to react and a torpedo was sent wizzing by him for the Dinamo’s first goal.

Defensively, Dinamo induced fear into the hearts of Starship’s crew. Star back Taylor Anderson’s eyes shone red and blazed like lava searching for a victim. Jets of steam bellowed from his nose, clashing with the cold night air. “The Vengeful Deer” was on the prowl, looking to stomple all comers. Starship quivered like little girls in the dark. They tried with false bravado to pick each other up. But they were in a bad movie and they already knew the ending. Nervous and scared, each Starship striker reluctantly pulled the trigger, desperate to see their possession come to an end. Silent sighs of relief followed as their guns misfired. To score would be suicide. The Deer was prowling. “Deekki Dow!” Pussies.

But although the Starship never struck a blow, their team did not go scoreless. Amidst the confusion of the first half, a deflected shot found its way passed the misdirected Dinamo keeper. This writer won’t name names, but Joe knows who it was, and “Not Your Average Joe” felt the need to avenge this unlucky deed.(sorry Joe, I’m running out of creative juice)

Before the close of the first half, Joe moved from defense to the front lines of the attack. Brilliant ball control and passing by Dr. Quinn Medicine Man created a hole in the Starship defenses. A hole, Joe was all too happy to hit. He got the ball near the goal… and played with it, in the face of his defender – I must admit I never thought he’d shoot. But he did. And what a shot – all over the back of the net. Goooaaallll!!! 2-1. The referee took pity and blew his whistle.

The second half started with a bang. Less than 2 minutes from kick-off, “Pretty Boy” Brett Playwell fired a rocket from midfield that sailed over and through every defender Starship had. The guided missile locked on to the upper-right corner of the goal and exploded in the back of the net, too far out of reach for the unprepared goalie. David Beckham bowed in humility from the stands. Viktoria wrote her phone number on a Spice Girls CD and sent it down to the newly minted star. “Bend it like Brett” would become the title of an Indian girls soccer movie.

And although all seemed lost for the sinking Starship, they clung to misguided hope. Like cornered cats facing the jowls of a hungry, rabid dog, Starship squealed and clawed back, desperate to score a late and lucky goal. Dinamo’s defenders were momentarily caught off guard. If it were not for the valiant efforts of their incredibly good looking goalie, all might have been lost. They never did score.

But winning wasn’t good enough for the Jason “The Wall” Sinclair. He needed a challenge. A challenge the Starship was too afraid to provide. So in the second half The Wall brazenly (and foolishly) smeared his gloves with the most slippery butter ever churned. It did not matter what the handicap, no one was going to score on this determined hero. (That is of course until he completely spazzed out and fumbled a softly struck ball that ever so gently floated into the goal only to be launched back out by that same spazztastic dumbass as he flung himself into the net screaming “No Goal, No Goal!!” which the referee of course bought because he was standing in the same spot he was in when the first whistle blew – 40 yards away – and couldn’t see the ball cross the line. Happy to be saved by bad refereeing the keeper kept his usually loud mouth shut. Needless to say that is the last time he will be playing with butter.)

And so this fabled story ends. Good defeated Evil. The light overcame the darkness. Some one got to say “Yippee Ki Yay, Mother Fucker!” and the credits rolled. The Dinamo defeated Starship and kept their unbeaten streak alive. How much longer can they keep this up? No one knows. But I will say this – good luck to the next bunch of rabble the tries to fuck with Dinamo.

Until next week, this is Lazlo Paniflex, signing off.